Marriage

When I began thinking about this subject, I asked several people “How do you have a great and successful marriage?” Their answer…… “By never getting married”. Well, that’s pretty depressing that more people are running from the vow of commitment to one person. Recent statistics say that about 2 million people in The United States get married each year.

That's a great start! People still want to partner up, share their lives with someone, live in wedded bliss! The other statistic I found: 875,000 folks end their marriage every year, You all know the statistic that about half of all marriages end in divorce. If only we could interview them to see what went wrong for them, I am sure that they would each have one or a million reasons why. “We grew apart, there is no spark anymore, we didn't have fun anymore”. Something changed from the happy day that they pledged their love and commitment to each other to the day they decided they would rather go at it alone. If you have been married you already know, it doesn't just happen. The spark doesn't just fade, you don't grow apart in one moment. It takes a while. So there must be something we can do to stop the erosion. I was able to speak to several couples who have been married for 10+ years and claim happiness in their union. Here is what they said:

1. Go to bed angry. Some issues make us real mad and can't be solved in a day. You are going to be angry and anger is okay. How we respond when we are angry is the key and that is for another chat, but it's okay to be mad at your partner and it's okay to go to sleep fuming, try not to “accidentally” elbow them in your sleep.

2. Do not try to change the other person. They are who they are, and it's your job to love that person, Celebrate your differences, cherish the person in front of you with all the blemishes that you thought were “no big deal “ at the beginning of your relationship. If someone is loved for exactly who they are, they are free to grow and change and become. Imagine that feeling of being unconditionally loved. There is freedom in that.

3. Develop “your thing;” a shared interest that you do together that you do with no one else. Salsa dancing, movies, golfing…….. The list is endless and it provides a shared intimacy and something to look forward to when everything else sucks.

4. Spend time apart. Develop friendships and passions that involve only you. One couple I spoke with has “their thing” together and separate hobbies. She is an avid runner and he is a mountain biker. They don't do these activities together and it provides them time apart, which is refreshing for both of them. They each support each other's outside passions and on race day he is there supporting her run with water and an “I am your number one fan” T-shirt, and she recently got a bonus which she used to buy him his dream bike. That speaks volumes, doesn't it? I love you and support your passions equally.

5. You are on the same team. I found this idea to be key. Often people start responding to their partner as though they are the enemy. That can only create a hostile living environment and dissent is sure to follow. This person you are sharing your life with is your number one teammate. Imagine Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen, Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski, Serena and Venus Williams. They might go to bed furious with the other but when they meet up, they come to play, and win! It's hard to imagine one without the other. Together they are far better than they are alone. And that's the point of marriage, isn’t it? To be better together than you are alone.

Author: Laurie Jones, LMFT

Remember When…

As adults we often ask ourselves or others “remember when…” Many of our responses are of happy memories or experiences even if the experiences in the moment were not so happy. Remember when you were a teenager? Let’s take a few moments to sit back and remember what it was like to be awkward, what it was like to try to fit in, what it was like to be completely confused about who you were, what you stood for, and where you wanted your life to go in the future. Some of you may be feeling that sense of relief that you did not marry the kid who was the love of your life in middle school, or that you made the courageous decision to say “NO” when a boundary was being pushed while others may continue to battle with decisions they made in their youth that have followed them into adulthood.

Now let’s imagine having all of the common worries all teenagers have and then place on top of these common worries risk factors such as stress, trauma, poverty, family dysfunction, developmental disabilities, chronic health concerns, substance abuse, identity issues, and the newest one to us all, a pandemic; in addition to the physical, emotional, and social changes that naturally occur during the formative years of development. These are the common risk factors that impact the mental health of our youth all around the world.

According to the World Health Organization,

• Mental health conditions account for 16% of the global burden of disease and injury in people 10-19 years.

• Half of all mental health conditions start by 14 years of age but most cases are undetected and untreated.

• Suicide is the third leading cause of death in 15-19-year-olds

• The consequences of not addressing adolescent mental health conditions extend to adulthood, impairing both physical and mental health and limiting opportunities to lead to fulfilling lives as adults.

The statistics provided above are astounding when you consider the many children and adolescents whose mental health concerns are never properly detected or assessed.

Determining if your teen is suffering from an emotional or mental health issue can be tough as many of the behavioral signs/symptoms can be passed off as normal developmental behaviors of moody/hormonal teenagers experiencing puberty and trying to find their place in this rapidly evolving world driven by social media and constant images of what pretty, normal, smart, athletic, and popular look like. The place where teens are more likely to look to for validation, self-worth, influence, and love.

One way to determine if your child’s behaviors are symptoms of a larger problem is to track the frequency and duration of the behaviors; are the behavior changes infrequent only occurring here and there over time or are they consistent over a period of weeks or months; are the behaviors confined to certain situations and/or environments, and most of all, are the behaviors interfering with the child’s ability to function on a daily basis at home, in school, or with peers. If you find yourself saying yes to the latter, it is time to speak to your child’s physician about these significant behavior signs and symptoms that may indicate your child needs further help.

Common behavioral signs and symptoms that indicate your teen may benefit from evaluation and treatment include but are not limited to:

• Intense irritability

• Repeatedly talks about worries and fears

• Loss of interest in or withdrawal activities and/or people they used to enjoy

• Isolation or avoidance

• Substance use (including vaping the “new cigarette” of teens)

• Engaging in risky or destructive behaviors (sex, stealing, excessive lying)

• Self-harming behaviors

• Negative self-talk

• Talk of feeling hopeless or of suicide

• Significant changes in sleep, energy, appetite, and motivations

As the world continues to evolve so too will the risk factors our teens face every day. It is important for every adult who plays a significant role in the lives of our teens to be present and vigilant, listen to their concerns with patience and empathy, be more proactive (encouraging, supportive, loving) and less reactive (quick to judge, punish, or discipline). Be the adult in their lives that you wish you had when you were them, trying your best to maneuver in a world that you weren’t quite sure you belonged in no matter the reason. Be open to therapy for your teen, understand that sometimes it’s not about you as a parent while also being open to understanding that it just might be about you as a parent, recognizing how your struggles as a teen and beyond may have influenced the maladaptive behaviors/habits you adapted as coping mechanisms that are now manifesting in your teen.

As Whitney Houston once sang so beautifully “the children are our future,” ensuring they have every tool they need to grow into grounded, mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy individuals who will go on to make their own unique impact on this world for generations and generations to come.

Author: Breonda J. Dixon, CPCI, CADCI

References: The World Health Retrieved from Organization https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/adolescent-mental-health

Blended Families Before Christ!

5 September 2020

As the title depicts, I thought…. blended families before Christ…What??? You mean to tell me that blended families date further than I could have ever perceived?! You guessed it! Yep! Blended families are depicted in the great book, “The Holy Bible”! My beloved recorded blended family in the Old Testament of the Bible, is the family of King David. David had at least 8 wives and over 20 children. I am certain he could not keep them all satisfied which led to turmoil and rifts among his wives and children.

Key things we learn from King David’s blended family:

1. Like and love is not the same! You may have an equal love for all your children but, like every relationship, our personalities and similarities matter, and have great influence in our relationships with our children. You will not like your children the same. In fact, the more you relate to one of your children and that child relates to you, the greater the relational bond the two of you will share. This could create jealousy and envy with your other children and the other parent(s) of your other children.

2. Awareness is key! Do not turn a blind eye. Do not love your children so much that you do not encourage them to be integral and, you dismiss their wrongdoings. Life is like a merry-go-round and the costs of what you overlook in the current weighs much more in the future.

3. Make your expectations of your children clear in early childhood. Discipline is an act of love. “Train up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). Simplified, this means to teach your children the way of life you expect them to live and while they may get stirred up in ways against your teaching, they will always go back to what they know. As a therapist, I teach this all the time when discussing trauma. An example, how we respond to our first situation of trauma, is training for how we will respond to every situation of trauma. Do we run? Do we fight? Do we freeze? This is the same for young children becoming grown children. If they are disciplined for stealing a toy at a young age, they are likely to weigh the consequences of stealing in adulthood. Contrary, if children are not disciplined for stealing, they are being trained to believe that stealing has no consequences and is an appropriate act to engage. If you hold the same standard of discipline for all your children, they gain equality.

4. Mo’ Money, Mo’ Money, Mo’ Money! Inheritance poses great concern in blended families. The question when a mutual parent passes becomes, who inherits what and why. Make clear in a will or trust how you desire your assets to be split. Do the underage children gain more inheritance due to their dependence on you? Does your irresponsible adult child obtain her inheritance partially, while your responsible adult stepchild obtains her inheritance in one disbursement? Do not leave your children fighting to figure out the inheritance. Have these conversations while you are still breathing.

5. More blending, more drama! Now, do not get all twisted in your pants. I love the idea of a healthy blended family. But, lets face it. The more people you involve in the family structure, the more likely you are going to experience an abundance of conflict. Relationships can get confusing, especially if not carefully explained to children. The more confusion the more difficulty there is to create a bonding structure due to the involvement of the different households. Make sure your family structure is explicitly understood by all involved persons.

Author: Brittney Collins-Jefferson, LCSW, LCADCI

References

https://www.ucg.org/beyond-today/lessons-learned-from-king-davids-family

http://www.jesuswalk.com/david/11_david_troubles.htm

https://onebiteblog.com/alternative-inheritance-strategies-for-blended-families/